Lee Swords Fishing

Left Bank Fever! What is it? And who is at risk from this terrible pestilence that ravages through ever more anglers that fish the Trent in winter?

With the weather now decidedly wintry with frost, ice and snow all around, we arrive at the time of year when we can expect to see the first sufferers of “Left Bank Fever” appearing on the river. Here I will try to shed some light on this cruel affliction and give those affected something to think about.

But where did the name “Left-Bank fever originate?

As everyone knows, all serious Trent anglers separate their river into six sections and six sections only, this is to prevent information that is too detailed getting out so that we can protect the river from over fishing by our EU friends, encouraging the release of Otters/ Sea Eagles/ Grizzly Bear/ Beaver or Wild Boar by the WHW Brigade (woolly hatted wankers) or even attracting the sufferers of other terrible disease prevalent on the Trent such as “Early Onset Time Banditry Sickness” otherwise known as “Guester’s Sydrome” or ” “Dolemonki Spongiformus Lazifuckeritis”

However we are not here to discuss those conditions as they are endemic to a certain section of society and have no known cure other than getting a job we are here to study the debilitating effects of “Left-Bank Fever”

The six sections of the Trent are upper left bank, middle left bank and lower or tidal left bank with of course their corresponding “Right Bank” sections.

Unfortunately the explosion in “LBF” seems to be ignored and we may find that we are sitting on a media time bomb…Could you imagine the effects on the weeklies and monthlies if every angler in the country was to become infected with LBF? what would occur the first time we have a long cold spell? That’s right there would be nothing reported to the press…NOTHING !

Every year I see evidence of ever more cases of “Left Bank Fever” being reported on the social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter and yet for all this, the epidemic is almost invisible.

But what is Left-Bank Fever?

Left-Bank fever is caused the spores of a Cordyceps fungus, the condition is prone to lying dormant for years within the upper sinus region of the forehead where upon it sends out billions of tiny mycelium threads that totally engulf the host brain altering their mood, subliminally encouraging the host to take risks and spend an extended amount of time in a completely sedentary position by the riverside where the fungus releases its spores to complete an truly unique life cycle.

The life cycle of the “Ophiocordyceps sinensis barbusbarbusii” fungus, which is believed to be the precursor agent for the onset of “Left-Bank Fever” was first observed and isolated just below Crankley Point some ten years ago after  a chub fisherman observed what he thought was a man with a giant penis growing out of his left nostril!

After calling for the relevant emergency services who in turn called in the people from the Center for Communicable Disease Control when they themselves witnessed what looked to be a giant penis shaped fungal body growing from the forehead of a fisherman, a fisherman that seemed to be fixed in one spot with little or no interest of moving even though the air temperature was three degrees below zero and the river almost over the bank with icy snow melt.

The CDC people went in and isolated the area with a level 6 containment protocol but were amazed to see the fungal body retract when they disturbed the host who at that point became quite agitated with all the commotion in his swim.

 

After thorough investigation it was found that the slimy mucous covering of the local population of barbel played host to a scale “fluke” that in turn played host to the fungus spores of Ophiocordyceps sinensis barbusbarbusii which once on land germinated upon the unhooking mats and clothing of the “barbel” angler sending out masses of infective mycelium which eventually gain access to the sinus area of the human part of the cycle where the fungus then grows until it reaches its reproductive stage.

 

When the fungus reaches this point the “condition” is beyond treatment and even though the fungus does not cause death to the host directly it does affect the judgement of the host, severely impairing the host’s ability to make sensible decisions.

It is thought that the fungus needs sub-zero conditions in which to release its spores, hence the reason why sufferers feel the need to sit motionless by the side of a river in full knowledge that their chances of actually catching a barbel are slim to zero.

It is a sad and sorry tale, and the sufferers of “Left Bank Fever” need all the support we can give them, when they post online Facebook or Twitter messages of woe such as “Fishing the Trent, temperature dropped to minus thirteen… but I am still confident of nailing a big girl tonight!”

 

 

We should show some tact and decorum and not pour scorn on them, calling them “silly twats” encouraging them to “Go home and “nail the big girl” you already have!”

There is talk of a cure, or at least a treatment that reduces the onset of symptoms related to the “spore forming stage”, the part where the angler has the giant penis like fungal growth sprout from his forehead forcing him to spend extended periods of time at the river’s edge in search of barbel even though the chances of success are minuscule.

It seems that another type of fungal mould found within soft and hard cheeses of a blue nature called Penicillium roqufortii offers the sufferer of Left Bank Fever some measure of a normal lifestyle by altering the chemical mind control effects of the already established Ophiocordyceps sinensis barbusbarbusii fungal mycelium.

Instead of sitting motionless by the side of the river with a giant fungal penis emanating from their foreheads, those poor infected souls suffer far less severe symptoms and a faster less obvious “spore cycle” whereby the Cordyceps disperses its spore via the nose of the host rather than via the large penis shaped fungal projections, which had in the past relied on stupefying the host and waiting for the all-clear sign from the brain before “flowering”

Thorough and regular contact with Penicillium roqufortii in the form of cheese paste or even lumps of the cheese itself can give these poor people their life back, no longer will they sit motionless for days on end waiting for something that will never happen, deluded by the chemical messages of an insidious fungal infection.

 

“Left Bank” sufferers may then wake up to the reality that the river Trent actually holds other species than barbus barbus and enjoy a more active and less sedentary lifestyle, it is even conceivable that they may even catch a fish!!