Lee Swords Fishing

Kingfisher Chronicle

CHAPTER THREE

 

Generals Jahmedhi and Gronk

Generals Jahmedhi and Gronk are a strange partnership, Jahmedhi is as pure blood a Goblin as one is ever likely to meet, which is something unusual in itself considering how many other Goblins ( himself included ) have mated with both wild and domestic animals over the years creating some truly horrific little bastards in the process! Gronk on the other-hand  is a Mountain Troll and a very big one at that, all Trolls are pure blood in comparison to Goblins as the act of Troll fornication and reproduction would generally result in the death of the non-Troll shag-gee or shag-ger dependent on who was taking and who was giving.

Which is one of the reasons why these two races generally give each other a wide berth as it is a well know fact that Goblin “males” like their women “well built” and Goblin females like a “big wang”, which is all well and good as Troll females generally come in at around three tonnes and Troll males are usually a little smaller (less fat)  and possess everything in proportion to their size. Which is “all good” if you like a crazy night of wild lust filled action but the actual act of sex with a Troll is usually a one off “fling” that finishes with the Goblin resembling something that has either been rolled over by a large cart that was being pulled by several dozen oxen or an empty shell of a creature that looks to have been drilled out by a large bore battering ram.

Anyway less of the details on transspecies fetishism and the reproduction habits of these two rather distinct races of creature and back to the Generals in question. General Jahmedhi, the Goblin is small, fast and even though you may not think when listening to his  sex crazed ramblings that are spoken in the very urban sounding Goblin patois  he is in possession of a truly dizzying intellect.

General Gronk on the other hand is blunt force trauma personified, if his first punch doesn’t kill you, then I would like to know why. Gronk however has a very soft  heart and enjoys nothing more  than spending his quiet hours tending the needs of his Bonsai tree collection, that said he does enjoy the occasional application of  blunt force trauma or “smushing” as he likes to call it.

 Together these two are like cheese and biscuits, different but complimentary. Cheese would be “claggy and cloying” without biscuits and biscuits would be “dry and unappealing” without cheese.

One cannot be fully enjoyed without the other.

Anyway, that is by the by, the two Generals are currently sitting in the rather luxurious surroundings of their shared Joint Task Force Headquarters down in what is generally known as “The Village”.

The “Joint Task Force Headquarters” is located in the center of a very large stone flagged courtyard that is surrounded on all sides by high defensive walls and tall archer towers that stand guard over what has with  the passage of time become the most cluttered of courtyards in Dvorganna Fjall. A place that is completely filled by an assortment of tents and long wooden barrack buildings that buzzed with the activity of Goblins and Trolls alike.

The township for that is what it has become, has for the most part  been built using the wood, stone and textile plundered from the many raids the Goblins  have partaken in and so it has a very relaxed almost Bohemian feel to it as a myriad of styles have been employed in its construction.

And yet one would be very much mistaken in believing that the assorted tents and wooden buildings that fill this well guarded quadrant are the actual homes to the many tens of thousands of troops and their extended families that live here, no these are nothing more than commercial premises. What one sees above ground are the market traders, the whore houses, fast food sellers and the butchers that specialise in selling rancid fly blown goat, pig, chicken and dragon offal (some older Goblins can only digest putrefied flesh and only enjoy their food once it is grubbed)

The shady avenues between the  bustling, shops sell anything and everything and at every corner female Goblins ply their trade with anyone that has the inclination, whatever their age, size, sexual orientation or even species. Goblin females are very open minded and quite often open legged when it comes to making money.

But for all the effort that has been taken in creating the perfect Goblin and Troll village above ground Goblins and Trolls only ever sleep “Up North” as a last resort. They are “Southern Races” and feel far more secure when they are below ground safely ensconced within the impenetrable heart of the mountain itself.

Deep cool burrows extend for many miles in all directions taking advantage of the network of caverns that exist under the great mountain of Dvorganna Fjall, caverns and great halls carved out of the rock by the original people of the mountain, The Dwarves.

It is said in folklore that Dwarves and Goblins do not get along and that Dwarves hate Trolls only slightly less than they hate Goblins and I suppose that may be true in some cases but for the most part the Goblins and Trolls rub along quite well with the Dwarves that still mine the mountain for gold, Mithril, Platinum and various precious gemstones and who themselves still prefer to live beneath the surface of the Kingdom of Dvorganna Fjall in what is for all intents and purposes a fantastically well engineered subterranean fortresses as formidable, if not more so than the one that the humans choose to call their home.

But for all the skill of the stone masons and hard work of the miners that have carved out this home of theirs deep within the heart of the mountain it would not do to draw attention to this their greatest creation and to the actual whereabouts of the Goblin Horde and the Troll Legion. Therefore the Joint Task Force Headquarters are kept above ground along with what looks to be a respectable number of troops within barracks where their everyday comings and goings can be observed by the ubiquitous Imperial Spies so that they may complete their reports totally unaware of what is happening beneath their feet. The presence of the Imperial Spies within the Fjall is kept under far closer scrutiny than these so-called Imperial Operatives could ever imagine, Dvorganna Fjall employs many hundreds of counter espionage Agents and they earn their money well.

Comfortably seated upon custom made thrones the two generals are alone in their plush command center, they are passing the morning playing chess and drinking a nice cold Duvel Ale, which is as anyone with half a brain knows is “THE” drink of all the Dragon Clan, anything less would be quite unacceptable.

The chess board is set on a table that seems to be made completely from human bones, leg bones mainly but it looks to be decorated with smaller bones, probably finger bones or such likes but at each corner is a skull encrusted with gold and precious stones.

The actual table top is a heavy sheet of what seems to be glass but is in fact Alchemists Gold, the same stuff that is used to house the “Flame of Thallos” at the very top of Kingfishers three hundred million Shekel Lighthouse. The story of how these two managed to acquire something that has a street value equal to the gross annual product of a small country remains a mystery but  both Troll and Goblin alike stick to the story that they bought it for the price of a case of Guinea Pigs Jizz old style Stout from a bloke called “Chad” that they know from their occasional visits to the casino.  It seems Chad can get his hands on anything just so long as a couple of ice cold flagons of Guinea Pig’s Jizz are  involved in the transaction.

General Gronk is somewhere in his early thirties which makes him an adult Mountain Troll and as Trolls go he is far beyond what is generally accepted as big, in fact he quickly passed being very big before he became even bigger. He stands at just a little less than eleven feet tall and has a span across his back of well over half his height. His head and neck are covered in a rough shaggy fur similar in texture to the fur of a long haired wild boar and the mass of hair does nothing except make his head which is at least the size of a hogshead barrel look even larger and in continuation with the swinish theme his shoulders look like two haunches of a wild boar.

He is what the Goblins call “A proper ma’hoosive muvva!!” and what everyone else that wishes not to offend or antagonize calls “Sir”

General Jahmedhi on the other hand is the polar opposite in build, being barely four and a half feet tall and in possession of all the physical mass of a miniature Mahatma Gandhi. What he does have however is a cruel set of talons, eyes that can see in the darkest of dark, teeth that can bite through chain mail and his already mentioned IQ of around 170 (on a bad day),which is about three and a half times that of General Gronk on a good day.

Jahmedhi provides the brains in the partnership and Gronk provides the force of will  that ensures that even the most elaborate and daring of General Jahmedhi’s fantastic schemes work.

Anyway…back to the chess game, General Gronk is about to make his move and general Jahmedhi is about to win, as per usual.

“Eezy nowz Gronk mate. Av sed to yooz abowt yoozing dat frikkin’ horse…Fink abowt it mate…Yoo needz to stop and fink beforz yooz sendz him on a soo-side mishunz” said the Goblin General…His voice high pitched and spiteful sounding “ No bodiz iz likin’ to being sent on dem soo-side mishunz!”

General Gronk looked hard at the Goblin that was sat across from him; his small pale blue eyes were trying to bore into the Goblins skull in an attempt to extract any possible details that may help his cause. He was failing miserably, in fact he could barely see him through the fuzz as one of his hairclips had come loose and his mane was getting in the way …The Troll had a white Knight chess piece in his fingers and was contemplating his next move

“Fink about it…Fink about it!” Giggled the Goblin “Yooz dat big noggin ov yooz’”

General Gronk said nothing…His deep-set crystal blue eyes stared even harder at the Goblin; Gronk, ever so slowly moved his white Knight taking a black pawn. A satisfied smile spread across his face (a quite disconcertingly terrifying thing in itself for those that were unacquainted with the Troll) he began to chuckle to himself, it sounded like thunder.

Jahmedhi slapped his forehead and laughed “Yooz a proper frikkin’ dick ‘ead…Ize teld yooz to fink abowt it Gronk…Finkin’ int dat  hard now izzit?!” he tapped the Trolls head with a razor sharp nine inch talon… He did no damage to the skin which was far tougher than it looked, which mean it made granite seem almost like crème caramel “Finkin’ mate, yooz should try it sometime cos yooz iz a proper knob head …If yooz brain woz made ov shit yooz wunt av enuf to make a frikkin’ skid mark in yooz helmet!”.

“I took your prone…Gronk has…One…Two…Three…Three prone’s…And a horsey and a castle!” Gronk began to belly laugh “Gronk is getting good at dis yooman game”

General Jahmedhi held his head in his hands…His fingers looked like a collection of knives “It iz a “Rook” and not a “Castle” yooz dim witted knob jockey!”

“Gronk is winning!” The Troll leant across the table and waggled his newly captured “prone” at the Goblin “You just scared, you are trying to put Gronk off his game, you is scared that Gronk will beat you…You is trying to confuse Gronk”

The little goblin moved his black queen three places and called out “Checkz mate like innit…I told yooz to be carefulz wiv yooz frikkin’ moovz yooz dopey mop ‘eaded muppit…Oooz da frikkin’ daddy nowz den?”

Gronk slumped “You da daddy!”

“Big pimpin’ right I iz innit!” Squealed the little General “Dunt startz yooz sniffin’ likes a wickle ‘ickle babiz…Yooz a sniffin’ beeyatch Gronk” Jahmedhi passed Gronk a tissue “Dunt cry mate!”

“I isn’t crying…Sumfink is in my eye!”

The Goblin felt bad now and quickly tried to back track “Yooz lasted about five turnz longer dis time dan last innit…Big improovz bro, BIG IMPROOVZ!!” The goblin tried to make his friend feel a bit better “Yooz getting’ proper good for a Troll like…Yooz lot iz generally a bit too fick for dis game…”

I int “fick” and I am not sniffin’ like no bitch either!” Growled the Troll “I ‘ad sumfink in my eye!”

“Yooz woz sniffin’ mate, yoz woz sniffin’ like a proper pussy an yooz noze it!…Yooz can tell dem porky pies all yooz like but I noze da troof and dat iz dat yooz never had nuffink in yooz eye but dem big splashy tear drops”

“There were no tear drops!”

“Chill out mate, it meks no diff to me like innit…But yooz woz totally crying like one ov dem batty boiyz!”

“I am not no puffta boy” Gronk growled

“Iz dat a double negative mate? I can do dem double negz mate but yooz can’t” The Goblin grinned “Dat meanz dat yooz iz a proper Gaylord …So tell me mate…What duz takin’ it up da batty hole feel like?”

Even though he was a bachelor he hated the Goblins continual inferences that he was homosexual. Nothing got him angrier faster.

“I am not a Gay”

“Yooz a big faggot master like innit…Yooz a frikkin’ knob-jockey, Yooz a fudge packer!”

“I am not a faggot master!” Gronk leveled one of his huge fingers at the Goblin “Lissen ‘ere, I worked packing tins of choona when I was young…But I not never packed no fudge, not nevva! …No toffee either!…Just choona!”

“Gronk, mate, Yooz is soooooo frikkin’ down on da dick mate you should have the chop job and start wearing a bra…Yooz iz a trans-gender bender iz what I iz saying!” Jahmedhi laughed hysterically “Yooz iz in da clozzit”

“Gronk is gonna bend you little midget man…Gronk is angry with the little midget man now!”

General Jahmedhi fell off of his chair laughing at the gigantic Troll “Da best fingz cumz in small packages, I may be small but I int a frikkin’ shirt lifter!”

Gronk raised his hand as though to swat the little Goblin but luck was on the Goblins side as it was at that very moment just as the great callused fist began its decent that there was a knock at the door. That knock probably saved the Goblin from a hefty whack, almost certainly a broken rib. Maybe even a day or two in the infirmary.

It was Talia, she didn’t bother with the niceties “ Kingfisher needs you over at the Gatehouse immediately, we have trouble!”