Lee Swords Fishing

Kingfisher Chronicle Part X

The Party Beckons for Mickey Finn

 

Back over the Eastern Sea and oblivious to the scheming of the Incarnates over in Atrussia, no sooner had Kingfisher sorted out the unpleasant business of the recently deceased Auditor than the day of his big party was upon him. In fact it was upon him like a fat girl on a Friday that had just consumed a half gallon ale horn of Malibu and Coke and had upon her person a six pack of ‘ribbed specials’ and a whole bucket of sexual intention. Kingfisher was therefore quite rightly nervous because nights like that can go one of two ways, they are either hilariously funny episodes that prove beyond all doubt that a good tune can indeed be played upon a fat fiddle or they are the worst of nightmares involving all manner of sexual discrepancies and so kingfisher was correct in his fretting, had he remembered everything? Would the entertainment be suitable? Would all the midgets arrive on time? Would the chefs remember to prepare the crispy fried mashed vegetables to accompany the whole roast stag? It was too late to worry now, It was time for him to get dressed, his guests would be arriving shortly and he was still walking round in his mithral cod piece!

 

Three hours later and Kingfisher found that he was lost within a sea of strangers, strangers that had poured into the walls of his very own castle like a great tsunami of the good and the great from every one of the Frontier kingdoms. His Grand Hall of was full of unfamiliar faces, faces that he only ever saw at a distance within the Halls of Politics, faces that were full of distrust and barely concealed suspicions. His own Hall had an air of threat about it; his plan was full of risk.

But as a wise man once said ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’

Of course there were also many friends in amongst the crowd, Dragon Lords by the dozen stood in small groups drinking Duvel Ale from ornate mead horns.

Lord Arius Janbob, Lord High Lieutenant to Dvorganna Fjall and Dwarven Liaison and his First in Command, Dragon Master Gus Broeder of the fifty second Legion of the Dragonette Fire Squad, names more usually shortened to ‘AJB’ and ‘GFive2’ were however not taking in the crisp refreshment of a Duvel but were instead in possession of a Trapiste Triple as they preferred the yeasty bite of this holy ale.

A quartet of Cornicen dressed in Dragon scale armour trimmed in wolf hide sounded their horns and called all in attendance to order.

 

The Great Table that stretched almost three quarters the length of the room and had a span more or less as wide as the outstretched arms of two men across its breadth stood awaiting its guests.

 

Silver, gold and platinum bowls and salvers in a myriad of designs adorned the table, each one filled with differing offerings from fruits to small sweet meats.

 

Between the larger offerings stood smaller plates of what the chefs called Amuse-bouche, tiny offerings designed to stimulate the appetite and prepare the palate.

 

Each guest had a napkin, meat fork, spoon and blade, along with a large Dragon horn flagon and a small crystal goblet.

 

Kingfisher thought that the table setting looked most civilised.

 

Everyone began to settle down into their places but Kingfisher noticed that almost no one was eating any of the Amuse-bouche that had been arranged within easy reach of each person.

 

In fact nobody was eating or drinking anything at all.

 

Kingfisher reached over to a large platinum salver of shelled but softly boiled Quail eggs; taking several in one hand he pushed them into his mouth.

 

All eyes were upon him.

 

He began to chew.

 

He reached for a flagon of Duvel Ale and drank deeply.

 

Mutterings could be heard.

 

Kingfisher grabbed for his throat and gagged…coughing and spluttering his eyes bulged wildly out of his head…He couldn’t breath!

 

Heaving and convulsing he began to turn a strange shade of purple!

 

Sh’Vorn, quick witted and as swift as a greased weasel brought a heavy silver platter round in a perfect arc hitting Kingfisher square on the back, a Quail egg flew out of his mouth like a little white musket ball and bounced off of the helmet of a Seven Clan warrior before landing in his flagon.

 

The room was silent.

 

Looks of horror were etched on everyone’s faces

 

Kingfishers colour slowly returned to normality, standing at the head of the table in absolute silence the tiny blue hairs on the back of his neck were stood on end.

 

This wasn’t going well at all; he reached over to the eggs again.

 

Holding one up between thumb and forefinger he bellowed “Wrong hole” his face still a little flushed “You didn’t think it was poisoned did you?”

 

The mood in the room lifted somewhat and stifled laughter began to spread…Maybe this wasn’t going to be so hard after all.

 

 

Twelve minutes and forty seven seconds later…

 

 

Kingfisher found himself diving across the table to hold an Arch Druid and the High Priest of the Kocknoqua religion apart…They had taken offence to some comment or other and were therefore trying to kill each other with conflicting items of table furnishings.

 

Kingfisher thought the High Priest may have had the advantage with the golden cornucopia of grapes but the Druid was brandishing what could only be described as a very useful tray of warm buttery blinis.

 

Whilst Kingfisher did his best to separate these two old adversaries at the same time along the table several other fights began breaking out between Clans and Independent Kingdoms that have had a long history of mutual hatred.

 

Kingfisher grabbed for Talia as she prepared to take somebody’s eye out with a meat fork, the unfortunate individual had made the mistake of saying that her boots looked trampish and her hair was the colour one only expects to see upon the head of trailer park trash and not in civilized society.

 

Kingfisher pulled her close “Get to Wizard Necrototh and tell him I need something for the ‘ambiance’…Something ‘recreational’….He will know what to give you!” but before he let her go he added “But not that Dragon tranquiliser stuff…That gear is just too trippy!”

 

Talia slipped away unnoticed, she had a mission…

 

Thirteen minutes and seven seconds later…

 

The Wizard Necrototh carefully passed a blue glass vial that was barely the length of his finger over to Talia. “You heed my warnings young lady! Two drops to a keg is more than enough to stupefy a horse into thinking it is a flying pig called Tallulah…Three drops will have an oak table dance its legs off but any more than that and things will get complicated”

 

“A big downer?” asked the red haired girl

 

“On the contrary an overdose will ensure a fantastic night of fun, even the most staid and morose would find it impossible not to have fun however they would not remember even the slightest detail! Not a thing…And in addition to the loss of memory there are other side effects!

 

“Such as headaches and dizziness?”

 

“No! Side effects such as prehensile tail growth and the more than probable proliferation of excess of body hair!” snapped the Wizard Necrototh “What do you think I deal in here…Playthings?”

 

“So two drops of this in a flagon and we are good to go?”

 

“Two drops to a KEG!” Necrototh bellowed “A KEG you stupid girl…That is a most powerful elixir you have in your possession…Be very careful with the dosage!”

 

“And if I slip?” Talia was toying with him now

 

“And if you slip?…Then you will hanging by your tail from the trees whilst shaving your feet!” Necrototh turned with a flourish but added one last remark before returning to his distillations and compounds “A little is enough…A lot isn’t always better!” And he was gone; back down into his dungeon residence

 

Talia laughed and threw the little vial into the air. She caught it in her hand and rushed back over to the party.

nd so on Talia’s instruction all the drinking vessels had been spiked, Talia did not think that it was very likely each and everyone in the room would take the same drink… So she did what she did best and came up with a revised plan.

 

A tiny amount of the elixir was taken up on the edge of a soft cloth and run along the lip of each fresh glass, flagon, horn or goblet that left the kitchens.

 

Necrototh had provided what Talia hoped would be a party in a bottle!

 

The simple fact that Talia hadn’t followed the instructions to the letter was neither here nor there in her opinion…That type of stuff was more for Sh’Vorn.

 

The elixir was almost spent with barely a single drop left in the pale blue bottle.

 

Waste not want not she thought as the single drop of elixir left the lip of the vessel and went straight down her throat.

 

Electricity coursed through her veins…She had never felt so alive!

 

Forty three minutes later…

 

Singing and dancing was spontaneously erupting in every corner of the Great Hall as ever more wine, ale, mead and porter was ferried to the table via an army of waiters, waitresses, ale wenches and Goblins.

 

The Goblins were not that good at their job but the new Imperial Employment Law now plainly stated that a certain percentage had to be employed (However they generally skulked in the corners trying to look down the breast plates and girdles of all the female dignitaries whilst at the same time sending up skirt iPics on their mobile Orbs to their posse that were flexing the late shift down at Jahmedhi and Gronk’s new Kebabz shop.

 

When it came to the higher end of the food service industry Goblins really were quite a shoddy lot.

 

Ever more meats, fish and poultry were being presented to the now deliriously happy guests in an attempt to soak up the sea of alcohol that was being consumed; each offering was greeted with ever more enthusiastic cheers and rapturous applause.

 

The chefs were called out to the table as small golden coins were piled into their hats as a means of appreciation!

 

The journey to world peace is through the stomach

 

And so it was during the seventeenth course of the evening that a momentous agreement was made.

 

An agreement that would end all war put a stop to famine and render pestilence a thing of the past.

 

Forever!

 

And how it came about was quite by accident. Kingfisher was trying to explain to a group of Griffon Clan diplomats that had for some reason thought it wise to remove the stuffed animal heads off the wall and wear them like hats about the offside rule of Dragon polo. If this wasn’t enough to fry their brains he also had to detail why real heads are always better than the man made substitute now generally favoured

 

“So as long as the last man stays over the 25 yard line he’s ok…He can’t be offside….” Kingfisher said to the Bison headed diplomat

 

“And you use real heads for this game?”

 

“Aye…Indeed we do, we tried rubber heads but they were far too bouncy!” quipped kingfisher

 

“Too bouncy?” replied the diplomat with the stuffed Bison on his head

 

“Bouncy as hell…all over the place they were…No control whatsoever!” continued the King, he suddenly stopped what he was saying and looked at the deep roasting dish of crispy mashed vegetables that was being presented at that very moment “Lads…You have got to try this…Seriously…This is from my homelands, we make it with leftovers…sounds like shite but tastes great!”

 

“What is it Kingfisher?” they said…They eyed the tray with deep suspicion through a blur of alcoholic haze (and illicitly administered narcotics).

 

“Lads, lads, lads call me Kai…We are all friends here! This is crispy mash!” Kingfisher or Kai to his new Bison headed friends pushed a spoonful of the golden crusted mixture in their general direction “Get some of this inside you and you will be set for the night!” he urged

 

But his guests were unsure; the bubbling golden crust filled them with gastronomic trepidation

 

“What’s a matter with you?”

 

“We of the Griffon Clan generally do not eat vegetables and we are afraid that we won’t like it?” They replied in unison “And that would cause offence…We do not wish to cause offence”

 

Kingfisher then noticed that most of the others sat on at or around the table with the exception of the Dragon Clan were also avoiding the crisply fried mashed vegetables.

 

This was silly! They were only vegetables after all!

 

Kingfisher climbed up onto the table top and bellowed a deep booming laugh “ My, my! You fellows amuse me …If I was offering snake embryo, I would understand your fears…But this is crispy mash…There’s no need to be afraid!”

 

He reached up towards the elaborate candelabra of what looked to be made of real dragon skulls and pulled a cord that increased the length of the wicks in the oil lamps…The room became a slight darker whilst at the same time the table itself became much brighter

 

Kingfisher began to sing…

 

“At crisp mash time…We let in light and we banish shade!”

 

The Bison headed diplomats took a spoon full of the vegetable mix and upon eating it immediately jumped upon the table top with Kingfisher and joined with him in singing a merry song full of fun and laughter

 

“And in our world of plenty… Crispy mash can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world

At crisp mash time!

But say a prayer, pray for the other ones!!

At Crisp mash time we drink lots of wine just for a bit of fun

 

There’s a world outside our borders…And it’s a world of dread and fear!”

The entire Great Hall began to sing along with each group of monarch’s warriors and diplomats adding their own words

“Why is there only white wine flowing? We would like some Duvel over here!” Called out the Dwarves of Dvorganna Fjall as they mocked the group of Alpha Clan warriors that were currently taking turns being sick as they had partaken too liberally of the free bar service

“Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you” sang Takara, Betty and Helone

“There won’t be snow in Dvorganna Fjall at crisp mash time” Sang a Dragon Clan member named Lord Pinon

“The greatest gift they’ll get this year is Pies” sang Queen Lorelei

”Here’s to you… Raise a glass for everyone” cried Kingfisher

“Here’s to them…Underneath that stuffed Bison” sang Morus72 in perfect harmony

“Do they know its crisp mash time at all?” Sang Pinon pointing to three rather drunk oriental diplomats that were trying to eat the gold fish that made up part of a table decoration

“Feed the world” sang the room

Pinon asked a waiter to prod the oriental diplomats

”Let them know it’s crisp mash time again!!”

 

 

And so the singing continued for a long while.

 

Many verses were added and the chorus fine tuned, till every one in the room was hoarse.

 

They sang till it was time for everyone to leave the great hall and move out to the Arena Room for the night’s entertainment of midget wrestling and Goblin racing to begin.

 

Everyone was in agreement; this was far more fun than bloodshed. It was time to end all wars.

 

And there it was… Peace in our time.

 

The paupers dish from the lands of Kingfishers forefathers recreated by chefs Bob Gandalf and Mijoor Ovultavox was the catalyst that ended all wars and stopped all famine.

 

As the leaders of the Clans and Kingdoms filed out of the room a small pencil thin bureaucratic looking fellow that had avoided drinking for fear of embarrassing himself on this his first diplomatic night out chimed up with what would prove to be fateful words.

 

Words of great wisdom! “My lords and ladies…I don’t want to seem a bore but maybe we should draw up a draught proposal of what has been agreed upon this night. It wouldn’t take many minutes to do and we could seek ratification on the ‘morrow!” He held a small parchment pad aloft; he had already been busy keeping a log of who said what and how this and that would affect the stance that one Clan enjoyed with another. Basically what he held in his hand was a working outline on how to kill the four horsemen of the apocalypse…Or at least send them off to the Job center…And all it needed was to be rewritten on posh parchment with a few hundred signatures sticking on at the bottom.

 

But like the majority of wise words…they fell on deaf ears.

 

“Aye, aye young master bookworm…We shall do your bidding in the morning. Now get along into the arena room with your Lords and enjoy the games with us” called out a passing nobleman his crown filled with exotic fruits

 

“Yes for tonight we party…Tomorrow is a good day for work…Come on and drink up!” A beaker of mead was thrust into his face by a swarthy looking King “Drink hearty!”

 

The liquor washed into his mouth and instinctively he swallowed…Immediately he felt the sense of deep anxiety lift away from him…They were all of course correct…Tomorrow would be fine, tonight he would indeed celebrate world peace!

 

Yes, tonight was indeed a night to celebrate…

 

Twelve hours later…And the party was over.

 

Kai Ang V’Shoor was sat in a cold bath…The suds, just like the washing maids were long gone, floating besides his left big toe bobbed a small rubber dragon of the most iridescent blue imaginable, the dragons eyes were large and black and like all things inanimate, quite utterly vacant.

 

Vacant and staring, just like the baths other occupants.

 

Talia lay with her face pressed onto Kai’s chest as though it were a duck down pillow.

 

Mud streaked the rim of the bath where Sh’Vorn was slumped as lifeless as a stuffed frog.

 

It seems that Sh’Vorn had enjoyed a serious session in the mud pit with the midgets.

 

She had won three bouts by submission and one by a clean knock-out!

 

A short salvo of bubbles rolled up from the depths, tracing a route along the length of Talia’s inner thigh before making a break for the surface erupting besides her rather more than ample left breast, a breast that had seemingly been autographed at some point in the previous few hours…It simply read “RB call me”

 

The gas that had been contained within the safety of the bubble began to dissipate into the atmosphere.

 

Almost imperceptible grimaces passed across the faces of the three people that were lying lifeless in the bath tub.

 

Their vacant porcelain expressions began to crack like the surface of a cow pat on a hot summer’s day.

 

Eyes slipped back into focus.

 

Colour, albeit a little on the green side washed back into their pasty complexions.

 

Kingfisher spoke first, his fur covered tongue however was reluctant to release its grip on the roof of his mouth, his top lip still adhered to his gums…He looked like a rather angry blue haired Pit-bull with all the articulation of a Big Assed Baboon! “ Gov gack goo?”

 

Talia looked at her King. Her eyes wide and ringed with mascara, she had no concept of the spoken word at this moment in time. Her brain was akin to a small dried fig.

 

Kingfisher cupped his hands together and poured bathwater into the bone dry birds nest that was purporting to be his mouth, the spittle based glue instantly began to soften and dissolve “Was that you?” Kingfisher wafted his hand in front of his face “That is rank girl!”

 

Sh’Vorn’s head lolled over the edge of the tub, which was lucky as she vomited into Talia’s trampish boots that stood beside the bath.

 

“That was some party…I cannot remember a thing about it!” Said Kingfisher

 

Talia stood up and made a rather shoddy attempt to get out of the bath, water slicked off of her perfect form. Perfect in as much as anything that has been steeped for several hours in lukewarm mildly detergent based fluids can be.

 

Eventually she made it out after having planted her buttocks on Sh’Vorn’s head three or four times. A whack from a rather enormous loofa eventually provided her with the missing oomph to get over the mud streaked rim of the bathtub.

 

Walking over to the chair besides the door she reached for her discarded robes…She wrapped them around her, there was something heavy in the pocket she retrieved a small blue glass vial; it had a label, it read ‘No more than two drops’

 

She had no idea what it was or where it was from…

In fact she had little idea about anything…She vaguely remembered dancing and singing Karaoke…there may have been an occurrence with Lord Barfael down in the Dragon hatchery and she was definitely to blame for the floater in the moat.

 

But a small blue vial bearing a warning in regards to ‘Two drops’ rang no bells.

 

She turned to ask Kingfisher and Sh’Vorn but was struck by their expressions of horror as she did so.

 

Kingfisher was pointing…”Talia…” he prodded the air frantically “Talia….you’ve got a tail!”

 

Talia looked down in panic

 

“No!!! At the back!!!!” wailed Sh’Vorn clearly in panic as she scrabbled with her own buttocks check

 

“And you seriously need a waxing!!” exclaimed Kingfisher pointing at her feet

 

And so it was, Talia had grown a small whip like tail that wagged like that of a newly hatched dragon chick.

 

She opened her robes and turned her head to look into a mirror so that she could scrutinise the general area of her usually well groomed… and by and large “tail free” nether regions.

 

“Fuuuuc…” Seeing her own be-tailed and rather hirsute appearance for the first time she did what any attractive young woman would do in such a situation…She fainted!

 

Things were not looking good in the general area of her usually well groomed… and by and large “tail free” nether regions!

 

Outside the bath chamber things were progressing relatively normally with the help of the servants.

 

Kings, Queens, Warriors and Diplomats were being helped into their carriages and taken home.

 

Every single one of them looked bedraggled and confused.

 

There was a silent air of puzzled bemusement that followed them like an invisible sea fog as they left.

 

Some didn’t even know where they were going or were they had been.

 

Some wondered why they were wearing stuffed animal heads.

 

Others wondered how the blue jelly got where it had…and how come it was stuck in quite so much body hair.

 

One young Elder diplomat was checking his pockets for something he knew he should have with him…but knew not what it was…He knew it was vital…But not in what context…Why had he only got one eyebrow this morning? So many unfinished and therefore unanswerable questions rushed through his mind…A mind that was made of the same blue jelly that was running down the back of his trousers…He didn’t like jelly…He didn’t even know what flavours jelly came in…What was jelly? He didn’t know anything about jelly…Was it important?…Why was his bottom sore?

 

The guests left behind a sea of carnage.

 

A sea of carnage that had to be cleared away, horde of servants supplied from the Lynx Recruitment Agency poured into the great hall, there job was a large one…there was much to do before things would look stately again.

 

Later that day a young maid cleaning the corridor directly outside the great hall found a small intricately embossed leather-bound note pad containing a mysterious language…Elder she thought.

 

Not knowing what to do with it nor having the knowledge to read the foreign text she simply went down to the Royal library and slipped it onto a shelf.

 

Anonymous, inconspicuous and most likely forever lost in a sea of companions….

 

Yet the transcript that it holds has more power than all the books written prior to or since.

 

And somewhere in Kingfishers great library it sits… Invisible and unread…The key to world peace.