Poor angler makes racist rants.com

 

Recently on Facebook a chap decided to dive into a “thread” after I had posted my own opinions on a subject, stating that I was the webmaster of of a site called “poor angler makes racist rants.com”, he used my Katy Perry story as proof of my “racism” after I had poured scorn on the Islamic ritual of polygamy….OK…I took the piss out of Islam, it deserves to me poked fun at, it is stupid.

So let me start on the “racist rant” section of my suppose website name…

Let me expand my position on religion. 

I do not do any organised religion of any description anymore but further to that it is no secret that I openly despise Islam, I truly hate it with every fiber of my body because Islam is a sick and twisted doctrine that pours hatred and misery upon the world in huge measure. I don’t however hate individual Muslims, that would be stupid, some Muslims are great, they are however trapped in an outdated ideology that is unforgiving, barbaric and cruel beyond belief.

But as I have said already I don’t do any organised religion, I don’t just hate Islam, I think that the Bible has some seriously outdated crap in it as well. In particular I have a major problem with the Catholic Church and the procession of peado Priests that keep getting covered up by their Bishops to protect the Church and I don’t like the snobbery of Jews,  their lack of humility at times makes my blood boil, the difference being with Christians and Jews is that I don’t hear the Chief Rabbi calling for a Jihad at the end of every verse nor do I  see the Arch bishop of Canterbury dishing out Fatwas demanding death to the non-believers. So they get a little bit of freedom from my rage but I certainly I keep both of them at arms length whereas I would happily see Islam disappear into the annals of history never to be seen again.

The world would be a far happier place without organised religion. John Lennon sang a song called “Imagine” and it was one of the first records I went out and bought because for a scouser he had a some decent ideas from time to time.

Unfortunately I think we are stuck with organised religion for a fair while yet, the problem is that some people are predisposed to behave like sheep as they crave to be part of a congregation, a pack, a cult. I on the other-hand am quite happy to be myself, confident that if their is a God awaiting my arrival at the Gates of Heaven I will not need the help and  instruction of some stupid old twat that dresses like a complete wanker to help me get in or keep me out, I either blag my way in using my wits or it will have already been decided that I have done a fan-fucking-tastic job of getting myself a one way ticket to Hell all by myself!

I don’t need the help of a bloke that liked to touch up little boys nor do I need the help of some wizened up old cunt of a wretch that instructed his followers to kill for Allah…bollocks to that!!

I am what I am and I will do just as I please, with “my” moral compass guiding me on  my way through this crazy life we lead, which is why I try to do one good deed per day in an attempt to mitigate the damage I have already done to my eternal soul…I don’t think it will help me though as I have been more than a bit naughty from time to time.

But if I do fail the test and there is room awaiting my arrival in Hell I expect I will end up spending a lot of time with ex-Ministers Priests, Bishops, a few Popes and Imams by the thousand  not to mention monks, clerics, Islamic Scholars and Cult Leaders of every variety.

But after all that is said and done…

The fact that I take the piss out of Islam does not mean I am a racist because religion has nothing to do with race, if I choose to poke fun, chastise, be critical of, or be openly hostile towards  Muslims because of something they have done in the name of Allah like bombing buses, cutting peoples heads off, murdering their daughters, crashing planes, marrying their first cousins, removing the labia and clitoris from their female children by means of a rusty nail/piece of broken glass/long fingernail/sharp knife, wearing the burqa, breeding like rats, hanging gay people, burning churches or shooting children in the face that’s my prerogative.

It is my right to do so because I am free to speak my own mind, that is the benefit of living in a free country where men and women have fought wars and spilled blood to give me these rights and just because what I say may sit uncomfortably with the politically correct it doesn’t make my opinions less valid nor does it make my opinions racial because the truth of the matter is that a stupid dickhead that listens to a perverted old wretch and follows inhuman instruction like a sheep is a stupid dickhead no matter what colour they are or where they were born.

End of.

OK, now let me move onto the “Poor Angler” part of the web name

Is that supposed to hurt my ego?

Because it doesn’t…Because I don’t really know what a poor angler is..

What is a poor angler? Is a poor angler an angler that has a lesser list of personal bests? An angler that has not bagged the biggest fish from the hardest or most prolific of venues?

Or is a poor angler an angler that is genuinely lacking in skill having no knowledge of watercraft, angling techniques and disparate methods for changing conditions or differing species?

If a poor angler is the former then, yes, I am a poor angler, I have not fished too many of the circus waters although I have fished some and I have enjoyed my time on them catching some nice fish along the way.

I fished the Great Ouse after Perch I did not manage to catch a 4lb fish but I did manage to bag a whole host of 3lb fish but as my target was 4lb I suppose that makes me a poor angler.

I fished Sywell for tench the target I set myself was a 9lb tench I did not get into the nines but I did get a 7lb fish and an 8lb fish if memory serves me right, however these fish have blurred as they are no longer my personal bests as I went on to get bigger fish from several lakes including Smiths and Hardwick and a couple of estate lakes.

I haven’t however managed to bag myself a double figure tench as of yet so I suppose I must  be a poor angler…

I did get a double figure bream whilst out fishing for tench, which is in itself proof of my “poorness” 

I have also not managed to bag myself a 15lb barbel from the Trent, but I did manage to bag another brace of double figure bream whilst barbel fishing which in itself is clear and concise proof that I am really shit!

Bream aside and back to barbel, I have not landed a 15lb fish and even though I have landed fish of 14lb, 13lb, 12lb and 11lb with the kicker that I have bagged more tens than most people that fish the Trent ever will but that aside I have not got myself into the really big girls that are as anyone knows 15lb plus.

Therefore I am a poor angler and a charlatan that really should keep his mouth shut and fingers still, I have no right to let my mouth “chat shit” nor my  fingers “type shit” when I have not bagged a beast!

I traveled down to Marsh Farm with Mike Townsend  to get into the Crucian Carp, my target was a 4lb fish and a British record…I failed…I only managed a half dozen very big three’s and a host of 2′s.

Jesus Lord be if Bill and Virginia Rushmer can get into the fours I must be truly useless!!!

I admit that after that 500 mile failure I almost gave up the ghost and took up golf!

But no I persevere, I press onward if not upwards!

Chub would surely prove to be my saving grace species and give me some measure of credibility almost the specialist angling fraternity but alas no…I cannot manage to bag myself a 7lb chub however hard I try!

Even in the most adverse of conditions when there is ice in the margins and the river temperature is hovering just over zero, the suppose’d time when all good anglers should be able to bag themselves a massive chub of 7lb plus all I could muster was a fish of 6lb 12oz..poor angling by any standards and just because it won the Pallatrax fish of the Month means nothing, I am still a poor angler!

And even when the mighty Trent is out of its banks and flooding like a bastard and everyone and their uncle are bagging up on massive barbel on lumps of luncheon meat the size of a babies fist all I can manage to catch are carp on lumps of bread, the point that I managed to land myself a bag of carp that wouldn’t look amiss at Drayton or Boddingtons on a method more suited to bagging big chub is neither here nor there, the point is none of them were 20lb and as 20 lb is my target for carp, the entire project was a failure!

In fact I fail so often I have to take a sabbatical from Coarse fishing and try my hand at trout fishing for a change but even then I cannot manage to not fish poorly…I used bread flake to bag up on brown trout on the River Don…Everyone knows that the only way to fish for Trout is on the fly so I taught myself to fly-fish at Moorhall, it was a long and arduous task which has left me with a few bad habits that I cannot seem to iron out, I should have paid for professional instruction but alas what is done is done.

If only I had taken a few classes in how to cast a fly properly my personal best of 12lb plus would be nearer 22lb just like my brothers…I am such a skinflint! I really needed to have some expert advice rather than get the satisfaction of getting more proficient week on week, fish on fish!

To make things worse I still have not learned my lesson and decided to teach my own child how to fly fish passing on all my bad habits in the process!

Insanity!

What type of a parent takes their child fishing only to indoctrinate them with poor technique?

Only then to compound the failure by taking the wife down the same track to poor technique as the child!

What type of monster am I?

What type of poor angler must I be to then make the child dispatch and process her own catch?

Before making her eat it!!!

THE EVIL  BASTARD!!!

What type of monster would do such a thing?

The type of monster that would then take his only child out onto the Trent in the middle of the day on a mission to catch Zander…A zander in the middle of the day, in clear conditions?

Only a poor angler would ever consider fishing for Zander during daylight hours as it is well known that Zander feed best dawn and dusk as they are crepuscular in habit…Oh no, not me I don’t know fuck all about anything I am so shit I do this type of thing for a laugh!

I am such a poor angler that I forced my own child, the fruit of my loins to sit behind my rods awaiting a bite, without the benefit of a game-boy or iPad for company!

Without the benefit of electronic entertainment?

This child should be taken into care because her father is nothing but a useless bastard of the highest order and furthermore to his bastardlyness which is to those in the know something similar to a psychic black-hole that sucks the positive neutrons out of any situation within a half mile, boundless bad decisions seem to flow from his rod tip unabated, her father is a poor angler that makes poor choices!

Just because my daughter went on to catch a Zander that was at the time a little bigger than my own personal best, a fish that went on to win the Star Prize in the Angling Times is no excuse on my part, the Trent was low and clear and the sun was high and bright…

Only a poor angler would make those choices.

The same poor angler that forced his daughter to witness him laughing and joking as he smashed her PB  and reclaimed the household  Zander throne. further proof that that Lee Swords is a bad angler, as soon as he saw that he was connected to a double figure zander whilst in the presence of his daughter he should have forced the fish to shed the hooks to save her feelings and not laughed and gloated like a buffoon.

Yes, I suppose on reflection, when all is said and done, I am a poor angler…

But at least I have had some fun along the way. I have made some friends and had a good time, I have fished with the best and at times matched their catch rates ( we all blanked that day) I have walked my own path and not followed the herd as they move from water to water, I have written some good articles, some bad articles and some diabolical articles but I have done it all by myself.

I have fished with the Countryfile team and given Matt Baker the experience of catching his first trout, but as we were fishing for chub it just proves I am shit, I have filmed with Bob Roberts and Stu Walker and given them a headache in the process from talking a lot of bollocks, I have made a film with the Pon’s in which he stoically covered up his disappointment that I did not bring gourmet food to the bank side and I have made a similar  clip for Fishing.tv with Gareth Purnell and I admit I am still using his Korum chair that he left behind, I had to decline National Geographical because I could not get the time away from work but I did not disappoint the Barbel Society for whom I have given numerous talks mostly about bollocks.

I have walked into a room where the the punters have been packed in like sardines waiting for me to talk..mostly rubbish but talk nonetheless.

I have made people laugh, I have made people smile, I have made people so angry they could kill me with a single look…But I have provoked an emotional reaction, I have never been inert.

I am nether bland nor tepid.

I am me.

And I don’t give a flying fuck.